Last night, I was in my room doing some praying. I was feeling distant from God and frustrated at some bad habits I can’t seem to break. They seem to break me more than I break them. I was asking God’s forgiveness and seeking that feeling of grace. You know, when the light breaks through and you feel lighter, lifted, forgiven. It didn’t come. Nor, does it have to. It’s never been about feeling anyway. But, I was looking for that feeling. Just for the confirmation, I guess.
Out of nowhere, I hear some singing coming from downstairs. I stop talking, I listen and I realized it’s my dad. I can’t really hear what he’s singing, but I know it’s him. I walk out of my room feeling frustrated at myself and I hear the words to his song. He’s listening to my iPod and singing along to a new version of a classic hymn. The song he was singing was Amazing Grace. An artist named Chris Tomlin reworked it and put it on his latest album.
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
I lay down at the top of the steps in our hallway and just listen to my dad sing these words. Letting each one sink into my soul. Letting my dad cry out for me. I am in desperate need of Amazing Grace everyday. I can never get enough of it. I never want to stop chasing it, grabbing a hold of it and letting it chase me.
Today, I was faced with that lingering, nagging doubt and fear that I might have missed something. I didn’t pray long enough, I didn’t say the right things. Like it’s my words that forgive me rather than the death of Jesus and the grace of God. Then, while in my office a young boy tapped on my window and asked if he could talk to me.
He wanted to ask me something.
He wanted to know if I could pray for him.
He begins to tell me that his family had been evicted from their house without notice and they are living in a Motel 8. He even pulled out the key card to show me. I was floored. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to say whatever it was that I couldn’t figure out to say. I was completely lost.
All he wanted was for me to pray for him.
A child, coming to me to pray. He wasn’t coming to me, he physically came to me, but he was really crying out to God. He just didn’t really know how to. So, I pulled a chair next to him and I began to pray. As I prayed I realized that God sees me in a similar way. I was the one doing the talking, but God was listening to this boy. I was praying for this boy, but it was also a cry out to God myself. God used this young boy to show me how He looks at me.
I try to find the words, I can say nothing to deserve the unimaginable love of God. How can you say enough words to earn a love that would drive someome to die for you? What kind of human language has enough words to equal that?
I was reminded. I am loved. I am forgiven. I need to be broken. I need to repent and turn myself completely over to love. To God. To acceptance. Stop running behind my own words and run behind Jesus.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.
Grace speaks louder than words.
For that, I am forever surrendering to God and forever thankful His grace allows it.